Shattered Relationship-Breakup!

Lately one of my employees had a break-up with her boyfriend. It had also happened to my daughter. Maybe you also had the same situation. How can you survive a break-up when you feel like you have been on trial and were accuse of being a failure in your own relationship? It happened yesterday or a long time ago, yet it followed you like hell. Until now, you cannot think of anything except the pain. There are so many questions without answers still filling your head. You have neglected your other responsibilities, especially your schoolwork or your job. You cannot get hold of yourself. You simply cannot go on with your life. The memories are just hard to forget. Every time they came back, you are overwhelmed with pain, the happier the memory, the deeper the hurt. When you recall the cause of your breakup, you end up being mad with your loved one, but the more you get mad, the more you realize how much you love this person. You want to forgive but it is too hard to forget. At times, you realize you are as much to blame as your partner. You feel terrible. You feel like dirt for being so selfish, so insensitive. Then suddenly a lot of “if onlys” rush to your mind. You cannot help telling yourself, “You could have been more mature, more understanding, sweeter…” This makes the pain even more unbearable. You cannot accept that it is really over between the two of you. Now you are afraid of the past, but even more afraid of the future. You feel so unsure of the world, of others and of yourself. Will you ever find someone who will love you? Will you be capable of making a relationship work? So how can you move on and grow from the loss? How does one go on from a shattered relationship? 1. Face the fact that the relationship is over. Resisting this truth will only prolong your agony. Although this is painful, bear in mind two things: first, you are not equal to all your disconcerting emotions, and no matter how upsetting your emotions are, the feelings are only a part of you; second, if one falls, it does not follow the one is a failure. Failure is just a chance to learn. 2. Recognize the pains and let the sorrow go. Say to yourself, “This, too, will pass.” Whenever the damn threatens to overflow, remember that you are bigger than all your pains and you are far stronger than you think. 3. Let go of the past. Say goodbye to the memories, souvenirs and other emotional attachments. Don’t wish you were together again. While you may not forget all at once, don’t indulge in useless thoughts and remembrances that only aggravate your fresh wounds. Let the truth set you free. 4. Forgive him and yourself. Release him and yourself from bitter criticisms, anger, resentments, blame, hurt and helplessness. Both of you have agreed to part, so cease from playing host to negative spirits. Stop judging yourself for not being your ideal of a love partner. You don’t have to be perfect to be lovable. 5. Set goals and live in the present. Appreciate your strengths and rethink the values worth living your life for. Begin a personal journey now based on a broader awareness of your self and others. Invest more energy in your neglected schoolwork or job and renew your sense of competence and confidence. You may feel down but you can still win important victories. 6. Indulge in activities and things you enjoy. For example, have a relaxing bath, visit an art gallery or an orphanage, write poetry, go hiking with some group mates, talk to a friend, go dancing, visit a hospital for the terminally ill, or read the latest development in your field of interest. 7. Be patient with yourself. Healing takes time. Respect your fears as they are a natural shield from risking too soon or too fast. As you recover, so will your anxieties diminish. Despite all your confusion and hurt, yes, you will love and be love again. 8. From all your heartaches, take time to notice how Life is inviting you to recreate yourself into the “new you”—someone more courageous, with more inner strength, an enlightened heart and mind open to the challenge of living.